We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
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I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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