well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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