Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
