got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
