the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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