maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Never joke about your clitoris.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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