I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
