The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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