You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
