I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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