I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
