did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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