sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Randomize