You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
