her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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