Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
