Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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