$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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