Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
