Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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