I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
