Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
