We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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