Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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