My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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