im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My bed smells like the plague
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
