omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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