After last night, I could never be a politician.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
sarcasm needs its own font
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
