dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize