I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
