My room smells like vodka and shame
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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