Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
