Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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