one two three fourrrrnication!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
