I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
