Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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