Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
