Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
