Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I am morally bankrupt
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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