Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
