If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
