i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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