1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
