I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
