Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
