She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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