The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
