There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
