There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
