Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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