I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
