apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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